Talking to a friend today about love triangle troubles she's having. She said said of her friend,
"Why can't she understand? It hurts to look at her."
Love for a friend, love for a boyfriend, why must it take so many complicated shapes? I wondered.
We all just want happiness, to feel like we belong, to care for and be cared for.
Why must the path to a simple desire be so treacherous?
It seems to me, a world without jealousy would be a world without hate.
The situation for my friend has become
A burning from deep in her belly, an acid that eats away at her, inside out, worsening with each contact.
Love can become rage but rage is not becoming of love.

the beach

The human tapestry celebrates a hot day, by cool water

All shapes and sizes, colours and devotions

Sand stuck to gobs of sun protection,
cocoa butter sweat,
dimpled bums to elongated breasts
cigarette butts
sandy snacks 

chatter
splash 
laughter
whoosh

sun fades
it's time to go home, spent, burnt, smiling

Somedays were made for tears, for wandering in fog and trying not to fall for whisps to carry you, gone.

“I wanted to throw myself into an experience that was too big for me and learn in a way that would cost me something” A quote attributed to Jamie Zeppa in the margin on the Otesha Project Website. http://www.otesha.ca/the+project/index.en.html

My best simple advice to me:
Avoid the bad habits, they make me sad.
Embrace the good habits, they make me happy.

Coasting

Life can be a little like riding a rollercoaster: while it is supposed to be an adventure, it doesn't always work as planned. Sometimes you're stuck sideways, hoping like hell it's soon fixed, praying the seetbelt keeps you in, and thanking God you're not completely upside down!

Here
I am at
1 AM again
listening to the rain
gentle sloosh, passing cars
drip puddle drip muddle
and waiting for him
silly me
here

It's simple.

It often seems to me like the simpler I want something to be, the more complicated it is.

If I want a simple black dress, I find purple, green and yellow dresses adorned in lace, ribbons, and bows.
If I just want to drive to Tim Horton's and get a coffee I get into an accident wherein my car gets totaled.
If I seek a friend, I find a lover.
If I find a lover, I needed a friend.

Does simplicity exist?

Perhaps the notion of simplicity is really a perfectly orchestrated trick of the senses.

Perhaps it is just the idea of simplicity that wets the appetite long enough to keep us interested so that when we think we've found it, we revel in it, to us it is sublime...
                                                                                                       ...until some bird shits all over it.

Totalled

The accident happened on Tuesday.
Yes, I am fine.
My neck is sore and shoulder is stiff but I am lucky, very lucky.

Now, I am one lucky girl in need of another car.

wind

 When I woke in the middle of the night, last night I listened to the wind howl until I wondered if it was outside or if that passionate woosh was in my head. I'm at an impass. In my present life, there are decisions to be made. There is action to be taken. But there I sit listening to the wind.

Falling in love is easy...getting back out is torture.

Alone does not necessarily mean lonely...

When he walks into a room all the oxygen leaves. I am gasping for air. Stomach clenches, the room seems to hush, his every step, every movement carries some undefined importance, and even after he has left every fiber of my being is acutely aware that he was there. All thoughts so clear and present just seconds before evaporate and I am left with just that knowledge: He was there.

In that quiet where nothing else matters, I try to remind myself of why he is no longer part of my life, of why it didn’t work, of why I am alone. I ask myself: Am I not happier now? I now have everything I wanted ---don’t I? My craft, my independence, freedom. 

In many ways I am more content with these things, and would most certainly regret not having them even though I do not always know how to use them intelligently. Does that mean I am not allowed to miss what might have been? I am a free woman! I can do anything I want!

His presence in my life has left a mark, a gap a chasm but there are many things I am meant to do none of which would be possible with such a presence as his, so defined, so all encompassing, so distracting, in my life.

Alone does not necessarily mean lonely… but sometimes it does.

Random thought on old ladies pushing shopping carts...

Why do old ladies in malls always seem to be pushing shopping carts full of toilet paper and kleenex? If Canada were invaded tomorow by alien forces, personnally I would sooner know that I had food and medecine, what's the obsession with TP?

Little chanllenges

The roads have been worse than they were today but they were still pretty messy. I must have beet the plow trucks to the highway because the passing lane was snow packed and dangerous to use. I was, however, fortunate enough to be able to go almost the 110km/h speed limit for most of the trip there.

By the time I made it the hundred-or-so-kilometre-commute to College, it seemed the storm was essentially over but my fellow classmates informed me that class was done for the day.

I am not going to lie: I wish I had known this key piece of information before I had set out.  I just braved crappy roads for nothing. My time could have been used much more effectively, had I just stayed home.

Could have been but would it have been? Hard to say, my efforts can often be inconsistent.

Battling the Procrastination Demon seems to be my life's work.

It's as though I would prefer to face failure due to lack of effort than failure due to... well due to just not being good enough. Does that make any sense?

Ridiculous really. You could almost say I fear success as opposed to failure, as if success would challenge my whole self image, would puff itself up in condescention and inform me that I am not who I thought I was. 

The trip back home went much slower than the one to school. As I soon realized, the storm was most definitely not over. My visibility was minimized by the ginormous transport stirring up and spitting snow back at me. The white-beige stuff smeared my windshield with blurry moisture and forced me to sit forward in that up-tight way that short women often drive. I rarely cracked 100 km/h.

Once back in my hometown, I headed strait for the bookstore and purchased the most recent issue of Canadian Writer's Market and sat with a coffee to compose this blog so the day has not been a total loss.

Here's to more days with less loss more confidence to persevere.

Blogging every single day has not exactly worked out for me...Alright so maybe I didn't exactly make it work out; however, in this, as in all experiences, there is something to learn.

What have I learned?
1) Setting good routines takes commitment
2) I am the maker of my own destiny
3) Guilt will get me nowhere
4) I should really blog about all the great stuff I think of in the middle of the night cuz that would be far more interesting than some of the deep and serious stuff I cover here.
...to name just a few.

Some of my difficulty in meeting the daily deadline has to do with the question of what is too personal to write about in my blog? Let's take into account the blog is about some of the most personal struggles in my life. I want to be honest and maybe a little raw but there is such a thing as too much information. Facing possible---no probable---disapproval is as difficult for me as it might be for the next person. To me some of that stuff that is just too personal to write about, that raw experience, would actually be some of the most interesting and beneficial for others to read, but it would also be some of the most embearassing for others to know.

In this process of narrowing a topic I am learning something too, something about respecting limits...though I am not sure exactly what yet because I am, you guessed it: still learning.

Be the Change
you want to see
in the world.
Ghandi (I think)