Coasting

Life can be a little like riding a rollercoaster: while it is supposed to be an adventure, it doesn't always work as planned. Sometimes you're stuck sideways, hoping like hell it's soon fixed, praying the seetbelt keeps you in, and thanking God you're not completely upside down!

Here
I am at
1 AM again
listening to the rain
gentle sloosh, passing cars
drip puddle drip muddle
and waiting for him
silly me
here

It's simple.

It often seems to me like the simpler I want something to be, the more complicated it is.

If I want a simple black dress, I find purple, green and yellow dresses adorned in lace, ribbons, and bows.
If I just want to drive to Tim Horton's and get a coffee I get into an accident wherein my car gets totaled.
If I seek a friend, I find a lover.
If I find a lover, I needed a friend.

Does simplicity exist?

Perhaps the notion of simplicity is really a perfectly orchestrated trick of the senses.

Perhaps it is just the idea of simplicity that wets the appetite long enough to keep us interested so that when we think we've found it, we revel in it, to us it is sublime...
                                                                                                       ...until some bird shits all over it.

Totalled

The accident happened on Tuesday.
Yes, I am fine.
My neck is sore and shoulder is stiff but I am lucky, very lucky.

Now, I am one lucky girl in need of another car.

wind

 When I woke in the middle of the night, last night I listened to the wind howl until I wondered if it was outside or if that passionate woosh was in my head. I'm at an impass. In my present life, there are decisions to be made. There is action to be taken. But there I sit listening to the wind.

Falling in love is easy...getting back out is torture.

Alone does not necessarily mean lonely...

When he walks into a room all the oxygen leaves. I am gasping for air. Stomach clenches, the room seems to hush, his every step, every movement carries some undefined importance, and even after he has left every fiber of my being is acutely aware that he was there. All thoughts so clear and present just seconds before evaporate and I am left with just that knowledge: He was there.

In that quiet where nothing else matters, I try to remind myself of why he is no longer part of my life, of why it didn’t work, of why I am alone. I ask myself: Am I not happier now? I now have everything I wanted ---don’t I? My craft, my independence, freedom. 

In many ways I am more content with these things, and would most certainly regret not having them even though I do not always know how to use them intelligently. Does that mean I am not allowed to miss what might have been? I am a free woman! I can do anything I want!

His presence in my life has left a mark, a gap a chasm but there are many things I am meant to do none of which would be possible with such a presence as his, so defined, so all encompassing, so distracting, in my life.

Alone does not necessarily mean lonely… but sometimes it does.